08.09 FNH/Food Network Humor

By Erin Hansen

This site is an absolute riot ~ it contains some of the most [scathingly] hilarious comments on, quotes by, and semi-true bios of the stars of all those Food Network shows, plus equally funny contributions from fans of the site. Even if you’re not a foodie hooked on the Food Network shows (like I am), you’ll still get a kick on how this site eats away at the stars’ celebrity facades. The tagline says it all: “Cook with Them. Laugh With Us.”

Here’s just a sample of what you will find on http://foodnetworkhumor.com/category/best-of-fnh:

Giada De Laurentiis

Host of “Ace Of Cakes.” Rarely seen actually doing any work. Has only one laugh, and Food Network plays it loudly whenever possible.

If her grandparents weren’t famous, Giada probably would have ended up working as a Hooters girl or a sorority house mother. Makes the same three recipes every episode. Over annunciates every word.  No one needs to smile that much while mincing garlic, especially if you have a freakishly large animal mouth.

Wears sunglasses on the back of his head 24/7 and thinks it makes him look cool. Can only eat at “Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives” because more upscale restaurants would mistake him for the dishwasher

The 10 Commandments Of Paula Deen

Come, my dear children, and pray at the church of southern overindulgence, for we now bestow upon you the Ten Commandments of Paula Deen.

I. Thou shalt mention butter at least four times per dish made, even when said dish does not require butter.
II. Thou shalt cackle at least 20 times per show, louder when making a sexual double entendre.
III. Thou shalt mention one’s inarticulate sea captain husband MICHAEL in every episode.
IV. Thou shalt always wear too many bracelets and rings, including the creepy one on the thumb.
V. Thou shalt never remove jewelry even when kneading biscuit dough, as audience may forget one is now rich.
VI. Thou shalt have your offspring BOBBY and JAMIE only call you “mama” when they gravy train on your show.
VII. Thou shalt remind viewers constantly of one’s southern roots by overdoing one’s accent and incorporating “Ya’ll” as often as possible.
VIII. Thou shalt always be proud of the unhealthy qualities of one’s recipes, flaunting heart attacks as if they were trips to Dollywood.
IX. Thou shalt always take over-sized bites of everything cooked, talking with one’s mouth full, and making sure to smear desserts on one’s face.
X. Thou shalt acknowledge one’s dogs when they wander into a shot, but secretly want to know why “the help” lost control of them.
XI. Bonus: Thou shalt act like B-list celebrities on one’s Party show are like the second coming of Jesus. “Hey Ya’ll, look who’s here on Staying Alive night…FRANK STALLONE!!!”

(Editor’s note: these commandments were written by guestFHN blogger DerekLutz)

From RACHAEL RAY’s Diary

…and don’t miss entire sections on the “Top 15 Unintentionally Pornographic Fruits and Veggies” and “Unusual Canned Foods From Around The World” (including the always sure-to-get-the-party-started Creamed Possum with Sweet Potatoes Garnished in Coon Fat Gravy), and “Food Network Loves Giada’s Boobs” (complete with her now-famous cooking moves: the “I need something out of the drawer,” the “Oh, let me just reach across the counter,” and one of many variations of the “I’m pretending I have no idea the camera man is zoomed in on my breasts.”

These are just a tiny taste of what you’ll find on foodnetworkhumor.com ~ make sure to check it out ‘cause the brains behind this site (Food Network Humor is part of the Pophangover network, created and written by sisters Jillian and Michelle Madison) really know how to stick it to the Food Network celebs while still capturing that love/hate relationship we have with them!